For many professionals, the most daunting aspect of entrepreneurship isn’t the balance sheet or the product-market fit—it is the unpredictable, high-stakes nature of human connection. In an era where digital communication often prioritizes efficiency over depth, the art of conversation has become a critical, yet frequently overlooked, competitive advantage.
Vanessa Van Edwards, a leading behavioral investigator and author of the new book Conversation: How to Connect with Anyone & Make Every Interaction Count, posits that likability is not an innate personality trait, but a learned skill set. After two decades of analyzing the patterns of master conversationalists, Van Edwards has identified a specific linguistic framework that, when deployed authentically, can dismantle barriers in boardrooms, investor meetings, and networking events.
The Science of Social Lubrication
The core premise of Van Edwards’ research is that human beings are wired to seek connection and validation. In a professional context, being "easy to talk to" is no longer just a soft skill; it is a business imperative. Investors, clients, and partners gravitate toward individuals who make them feel seen, heard, and understood.
"I’ve always felt awkward in conversation," Van Edwards admits, noting that for many entrepreneurs, the necessity of constant networking can feel like a performance rather than a dialogue. However, her research suggests that by utilizing specific, repeatable phrases, professionals can move from surface-level small talk to genuine rapport, effectively lowering the emotional defenses of those they are speaking with.
Five Phrases to Master the Room
Van Edwards identifies five "magic" phrases that, when used with sincerity, act as psychological keys to unlock deeper professional relationships.
1. "I was just thinking about you!"
This phrase is a powerful tool for maintaining professional relevance. Humans have a fundamental psychological need to be remembered. By proactively reaching out to a contact—not for a specific favor, but simply because a shared interest or event triggered a memory—you signal that they are a priority in your mental landscape.
Case Study: Van Edwards recounts reaching out to a high-profile VIP after seeing a skimboarding competition. The interaction—which began with a simple "I was just thinking about you"—evolved from a casual video share into a business breakfast and eventually a keynote speaking opportunity. The key, she notes, is to link the thought to a specific, tangible detail that proves the connection is authentic.
2. "Tell me more!"
The art of active listening is often misunderstood as merely remaining silent. In reality, it is about active engagement. Research confirms that individuals who ask follow-up questions are perceived as more likable, responsive, and intelligent.
"Tell me more!" is the ultimate low-friction follow-up. It acts as an invitation for the other person to elaborate, signaling that their story or opinion is valuable. Whether you are in a high-stress environment—such as a hospital room or a fast-paced board meeting—this phrase keeps the conversation centered on the other party, fostering a sense of importance that builds immediate loyalty.
3. "Last time we were talking, you mentioned…"
Reference-based conversation is perhaps the strongest signal of respect in a professional setting. When you recall specific details from a previous interaction—be it a vacation, a specific project milestone, or a personal preference—you communicate that the person is worth the mental energy required to remember them.
This tactic has historical weight. Van Edwards highlights the early relationship of Earvin "Magic" Johnson and his wife, Cookie. Johnson’s decision to present yellow roses based on a passing comment Cookie made about her preferences proved to be a turning point in their courtship. In business, remembering that a client mentioned a specific industry pain point or a family event shows that you are not just selling; you are building a relationship.
4. "Same here!"
Psychological studies consistently demonstrate that we are drawn to people who share our characteristics, values, and experiences. This is known as "homophily," and it is a powerful driver of negotiation success.
When you uncover common ground early in a meeting—whether it is a shared background, a common alma mater, or similar parenting challenges—you activate "same here" energy. This creates an immediate psychological bond, making the other party feel more comfortable and open to influence. Van Edwards notes that this approach was essential when she interviewed Khloé Kardashian; by focusing on shared experiences rather than the fame dynamic, the conversation shifted from a formal interview to a natural, flow-state dialogue.
5. "You’re so…"
Validation is the currency of influence. In every interaction, the person across from you is likely battling internal doubts: Am I being boring? Is this a good use of their time? By offering genuine validation, you alleviate this anxiety.
The phrase "You’re so…" allows you to label a positive attribute you’ve observed—humor, punctuality, or strategic vision. This not only builds the recipient’s confidence but encourages them to embody that trait further. The story of Cristóbal Balenciaga, who secured his career by simply expressing appreciation for a stranger’s elegance, illustrates that a well-placed, genuine compliment can be the catalyst for a life-changing professional opportunity.
Implications for Modern Leadership
The shift toward these communication strategies has significant implications for how modern teams operate. As organizations become more decentralized and reliant on digital communication, the ability to build rapport quickly is essential.
The data suggests that:
- Trust Building: Leaders who validate their team members report higher retention and morale.
- Negotiation Efficacy: Establishing commonality ("Same here!") statistically increases the probability of favorable deal outcomes by reducing adversarial posturing.
- Networking ROI: Professionals who transition from "transactional" to "relational" communication see a higher return on their networking efforts, as these interactions are more memorable and likely to result in referrals.
The Authenticity Imperative
A crucial caveat runs through all of Van Edwards’ recommendations: Never fake it.
The human brain is highly adept at detecting insincerity. If a phrase is used as a robotic script, it will fail. The effectiveness of these tools relies entirely on the speaker’s genuine intent. The phrases are not "tricks" to manipulate others; they are structural supports for authentic human interaction.
For the modern entrepreneur, the goal is to move beyond the superficiality of traditional networking. By implementing these five phrases, professionals can move the needle from mere acquaintance to genuine partnership. As the business landscape continues to evolve, the most valuable technology remains the ability to connect deeply, listen intently, and make others feel truly seen.
In the words of Van Edwards, the challenge to the reader is clear: Select one of these phrases for your next meeting and observe the shift in the room. You may find that the most significant business growth doesn’t come from a new strategy or a larger budget, but from a more intentional, deeply human conversation.
This article is based on insights from "Conversation: How to Connect with Anyone & Make Every Interaction Count" by Vanessa Van Edwards, published by Portfolio (2026).
